did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
