Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
