im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
