paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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