My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize