Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
