I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize