I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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