sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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