Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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