I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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