Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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