I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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