Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
