if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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