Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She made me pour olive oil on her.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
