i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
