Umm I'm too high to move.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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