Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
