I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
