After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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