At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
