I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize