He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
