Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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