Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
