Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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