i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
