I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
