This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
