I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just pee around me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
