I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
