There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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