Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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