Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
