If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
