vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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