my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize