if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
