Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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