shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
