I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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