im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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