I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
