Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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