God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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