I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
