I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
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