There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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