i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
