Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
