I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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