I cockslap morals
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize