Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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