She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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