it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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