my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
