dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
