HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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