i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
