Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
